WINNER
Heaven isn't too far away . . . anymore.
Submitted by Nick Phillips

RUNNER-UP  + 5 for being second, and (also) using celebrity's own lyrics to convey the appropriate amount of schadenfreude:
(Not) such a sweet surprise.
Submitted by BossBlog

WINNER
Final Salute to Police Cadet Hightower.
Submitted by Josh Nelson

RUNNER-UP + 5 points for tangential pop-culture reference: 
"If I'd known this was going to be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I'd thought of something better to say."
Submitted by John Harvill